Author Serena Miller was already immersed in Amish culture. She’d written novels based on it, and during her research she noticed the difference in their children compared to the wider American culture. They seemed content, calm. She’d never seen one throw a fit, never seen an Amish mother hurrying to give her child what he wanted so he’d stop crying.
She says, “As I visited with, ate with, and worked with various Amish families, I continued to be impressed with their industriousness and with their children. What were they doing right? What were we missing out on?” This led to a deep dive into Amish parenting.
The book has brief chapters grouped in sections titled: Family, Community, Discipline, Work Ethic, Technology, and Faith. While each one offered helpful perspective, these are the biggest things that stuck out for me.
The Amish Pause
This is the first I’d heard of the “Amish pause.” Children are taught by example that if asked a question, they should consider their answer up to 10 times before responding. This brings an entirely different cadence to Amish conversations. There’s no fast-paced word flinging. They talk and pause, talk and pause, choosing their words thoughtfully.
We often hail quick thinkers and smooth speakers, but we are also in more danger of saying damaging things. We could take a lesson from our Amish neighbors and develop a habit in ourselves first, then our children, of choosing our words carefully. After all, “death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).
Skills and Work Ethic
One day Miller decided to cook for her Amish friends. As often happens in this close-knit community, when others heard that an “Englisch” woman was making a special dinner, they wanted in. A meal she thought would be for 7-8 people turned into a meal for almost 30! As she worked, her friend and her four daughters helped. Miller was reluctant to involve the 5-year-old, convinced she’d slow them down. But when she finally gave her the rolling pin, she saw how wrong she’d been. After watching the process once, this little girl mixed the ingredients, rolled out the dough, and cut the noodles almost as straight as Miller had.
When Miller gushed over how big a girl she was, the girl looked confused, almost insulted at the praise, as if she wondered why she wouldn’t be handy in the kitchen.
Since helping is not a special occasion but an everyday occurrence, even the smallest of the bunch become quite capable. Instead of dismissing kids while we do these tasks, why not involve them regularly? When we don’t involve them in the work, not only are we hinting that we don’t need them–and children thrive on being needed–we are keeping them from learning valuable skills which would greatly help them and us in the future. Of course, this applies to more than kitchen work. There’s yard work, household chores, skill-based hobbies, a home business, and more.
Education
Surprisingly, most Amish children only go to school through 8th grade. Our natural assumption might be that this severely limits them; that they can “only” farm with that education. But take a look at the vast variety of businesses Amish people build from the ground up with this 8th grade knowledge – bakeries, woodworking, construction, metal working, handmade clothing stores, the list goes on. And businesses are complex organisms with many moving parts – not for the faint of heart or the dull-minded.
So how can an 8th grade education do this? While the foundation of education they do have is important, it’s equally about the work ethic and common sense that’s built into them from the time they’re toddlers. When at 14 they are expected to put their knowledge and work ethic into practice as employees or entrepreneurs, they get real-world experience much earlier than most of us. One Amish business owner said, “…as a Mennonite, I’m not against formal education, but some of the most difficult people I’ve ever had to train were also some of the most highly educated. It’s as though they had spent so much time in school, they somehow lost their common sense.”
Balance and perspective are key. We don’t have to give school, chores, and real-job experience an equal amount of time – there’d be no time for anything else. We can strive to give them an equal weight of importance though. Meaning, school might take 4-8 hours a day (depending on homeschool vs. public school hours), and chores might only take 45 minutes, but it’s just as important to do chores on time and with their best effort.
I also want to carefully tailor their schoolwork to their actual needs. If they want to be a doctor, then certainly there needs to be more intense education. But if they want to be a stay-at-home mom or work in a trade, we don’t have to put them on the American education conveyer belt of rigorous high school followed by rigorous college (followed by rigorous debt pay-off). It’s not for everyone, and that’s okay.
The Discipline of Patience
This quote really says it well:
“Patience, long-suffering, and forbearance are built into the Amish psyche and lifestyle, not only in their church services, but in many other practical ways. It takes patience to plod along in a horse and buggy at ten miles per hour while Englisch cars whiz past. It takes patience to plow one’s fields with teams of horses while a tractor-owning Englisch neighbor plows several fields in a fraction of the time. It takes patience to dress in such a way that makes tourists gawk and point. It takes patience to walk all the way out to the phone shanty every time one needs to make a phone call and patience to deal with the myriad of relatives who live close by.
But there are payoffs.
Patience pays off in the much-sought-after Amish-made items that sometimes support entire communities. Amish furniture, baskets, quilts, food, and sturdily built houses are renowned for excellent craftsmanship and quality.”
And this lifestyle doesn’t just create benefits as adults. It shows up in the way that even toddlers can sit quietly during their hours-long church services; in the surprising lack of interruptions during gatherings when adults are talking; in their ability to see a project through from start to finish, and many other small moments throughout their lives.
No book will create a perfect parent or child, but I do wish I’d read this when my kids were younger. At 15 and 12, there’s certainly still shaping and raising to be done, and I have already begun to put some of the book’s concepts into practice. So I absolutely recommend this book to people whose kids are in middle or high school, but it would be even more powerful in the hands of those who have young children in their lives.
Miller says of non-Amish people, “I am impressed with the dedication of our young parents. They are so very earnest and they try so hard and yet I see the fatigue and stress on their faces. I hear their frustrations in trying to discipline their children…” (emphasis added).
I personally remember that fatigue and stress well, and now that my kids are older and I’m looking back at the things I’ve learned, I’m realizing that I’m the one who often allowed the frustrations that led to that fatigue. I do my best to show myself grace-we all have things to learn-but the biggest takeaway for me is something Miller doesn’t even directly say, but is written between each line: much of the time, we parents are the ones causing or allowing behavior in our children that then causes so much friction, fatigue and stress in us.
We can be so earnest, so dedicated, have so many warm feelings toward our children. But as God has so clearly shown, real love doesn’t allow sinful habits to grow in us or in our children. Little habits based on real love build a contented life.
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