Her Sacred Burden

More Than Happy: The Wisdom of Amish Parenting – A Book Review

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Author Serena Miller was already immersed in Amish culture.  She’d written novels based on it, and during her research she noticed the difference in their children compared to the wider American culture.  They seemed content, calm.  She’d never seen one throw a fit, never seen an Amish mother hurrying to give her child what he wanted so he’d stop crying. 

She says, “As I visited with, ate with, and worked with various Amish families, I continued to be impressed with their industriousness and with their children.  What were they doing right?  What were we missing out on?”  This led to a deep dive into Amish parenting.

The book has brief chapters grouped in sections titled: Family, Community, Discipline, Work Ethic, Technology, and Faith.  While each one offered helpful perspective, these are the biggest things that stuck out for me.

The Amish Pause

This is the first I’d heard of the “Amish pause.”  Children are taught by example that if asked a question, they should consider their answer up to 10 times before responding.  This brings an entirely different cadence to Amish conversations.  There’s no fast-paced word flinging. They talk and pause, talk and pause, choosing their words thoughtfully.

We often hail quick thinkers and smooth speakers, but we are also in more danger of saying damaging things.  We could take a lesson from our Amish neighbors and develop a habit in ourselves first, then our children, of choosing our words carefully.  After all, “death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).

Skills and Work Ethic

One day Miller decided to cook for her Amish friends.  As often happens in this close-knit community, when others heard that an “Englisch” woman was making a special dinner, they wanted in.  A meal she thought would be for 7-8 people turned into a meal for almost 30!  As she worked, her friend and her four daughters helped.  Miller was reluctant to involve the 5-year-old, convinced she’d slow them down.  But when she finally gave her the rolling pin, she saw how wrong she’d been.  After watching the process once, this little girl mixed the ingredients, rolled out the dough, and cut the noodles almost as straight as Miller had. 

When Miller gushed over how big a girl she was, the girl looked confused, almost insulted at the praise, as if she wondered why she wouldn’t be handy in the kitchen.

Since helping is not a special occasion but an everyday occurrence, even the smallest of the bunch become quite capable.  Instead of dismissing kids while we do these tasks, why not involve them regularly?  When we don’t involve them in the work, not only are we hinting that we don’t need them–and children thrive on being needed–we are keeping them from learning valuable skills which would greatly help them and us in the future.  Of course, this applies to more than kitchen work. There’s yard work, household chores, skill-based hobbies, a home business, and more.

Education

Surprisingly, most Amish children only go to school through 8th grade.  Our natural assumption might be that this severely limits them; that they can “only” farm with that education.  But take a look at the vast variety of businesses Amish people build from the ground up with this 8th grade knowledge – bakeries, woodworking, construction, metal working, handmade clothing stores, the list goes on.  And businesses are complex organisms with many moving parts – not for the faint of heart or the dull-minded. 

So how can an 8th grade education do this?  While the foundation of education they do have is important, it’s equally about the work ethic and common sense that’s built into them from the time they’re toddlers.  When at 14 they are expected to put their knowledge and work ethic into practice as employees or entrepreneurs, they get real-world experience much earlier than most of us.  One Amish business owner said, “…as a Mennonite, I’m not against formal education, but some of the most difficult people I’ve ever had to train were also some of the most highly educated.  It’s as though they had spent so much time in school, they somehow lost their common sense.”

Balance and perspective are key.  We don’t have to give school, chores, and real-job experience an equal amount of time – there’d be no time for anything else.  We can strive to give them an equal weight of importance though.  Meaning, school might take 4-8 hours a day (depending on homeschool vs. public school hours), and chores might only take 45 minutes, but it’s just as important to do chores on time and with their best effort. 

I also want to carefully tailor their schoolwork to their actual needs.  If they want to be a doctor, then certainly there needs to be more intense education. But if they want to be a stay-at-home mom or work in a trade, we don’t have to put them on the American education conveyer belt of rigorous high school followed by rigorous college (followed by rigorous debt pay-off).  It’s not for everyone, and that’s okay.

The Discipline of Patience

This quote really says it well:

“Patience, long-suffering, and forbearance are built into the Amish psyche and lifestyle, not only in their church services, but in many other practical ways.  It takes patience to plod along in a horse and buggy at ten miles per hour while Englisch cars whiz past.  It takes patience to plow one’s fields with teams of horses while a tractor-owning Englisch neighbor plows several fields in a fraction of the time.  It takes patience to dress in such a way that makes tourists gawk and point.  It takes patience to walk all the way out to the phone shanty every time one needs to make a phone call and patience to deal with the myriad of relatives who live close by.

But there are payoffs.

Patience pays off in the much-sought-after Amish-made items that sometimes support entire communities. Amish furniture, baskets, quilts, food, and sturdily built houses are renowned for excellent craftsmanship and quality.”

And this lifestyle doesn’t just create benefits as adults.  It shows up in the way that even toddlers can sit quietly during their hours-long church services; in the surprising lack of interruptions during gatherings when adults are talking; in their ability to see a project through from start to finish, and many other small moments throughout their lives.

No book will create a perfect parent or child, but I do wish I’d read this when my kids were younger.  At 15 and 12, there’s certainly still shaping and raising to be done, and I have already begun to put some of the book’s concepts into practice.  So I absolutely recommend this book to people whose kids are in middle or high school, but it would be even more powerful in the hands of those who have young children in their lives.

Miller says of non-Amish people, “I am impressed with the dedication of our young parents. They are so very earnest and they try so hard and yet I see the fatigue and stress on their faces.  I hear their frustrations in trying to discipline their children…” (emphasis added).

I personally remember that fatigue and stress well, and now that my kids are older and I’m looking back at the things I’ve learned, I’m realizing that I’m the one who often allowed the frustrations that led to that fatigue.  I do my best to show myself grace-we all have things to learn-but the biggest takeaway for me is something Miller doesn’t even directly say, but is written between each line: much of the time, we parents are the ones causing or allowing behavior in our children that then causes so much friction, fatigue and stress in us. 

We can be so earnest, so dedicated, have so many warm feelings toward our children. But as God has so clearly shown, real love doesn’t allow sinful habits to grow in us or in our children.  Little habits based on real love build a contented life.

The Lost Skill of Boredom – and How to Develop it

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A boy walked through the hills and woods, spending hours and hours over the years listening to nothing but the birds chirping, the wind blowing through the leaves, and the thoughts in his head.  His mind wandered as much as his feet.  This lifestyle was part of the fertile soil that produced the Theory of Relativity, E=mc2, and the Photoelectric Effect.

A British woman took a 4-hour train ride alone, with nothing to do but stare out the window.   When she arrived at her destination, Harry Potter’s journeys had just begun.

A university professor sat bored surrounded by stacks of papers to grade.  He came upon an essay page that the student had left blank, and inspiration struck.  The professor wrote on that blank page, “In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit.”

But Isn’t Boredom Bad?

Bored to death.  Bored out of my gourd.  Bored stiff.  Culturally, boredom does not bring positive connotations.  When you look at boredom’s impact on history though, it is truly the basis for many remarkable scientific and cultural phenomena. 

What if Albert Einstein had grown up in an age of video games?  What if Rowling had a cell phone and binge watched Netflix the entire train ride?  What if Tolkien had a podcast playing in the background and was also texting a friend between graded papers?

“Boredom allows one to indulge in curiosity, and out of curiosity comes everything.”  This is true, and its source makes it one of the most ironic statements I’ve heard in a long time, because Steve Jobs said it.

Steve Jobs — the co-creator of the iPhone and other tech toys that are the biggest reasons boredom has become obsolete today – championed boredom.

Believe it or not, I’m not trying to demonize technology – it has some valuable uses.  But the combination of technology’s purposefully addictive qualities and our lack of self-control (if we’re being honest) means it’s the most likely candidate to keep us from experiencing boredom.

This Begs the Questions:

In today’s world, what are we and our kids missing out on?  What “eureka!” moments are we not having? What creative characters or inventions are not popping into our minds because there’s no space for them to pop?

Because that’s what boredom does: it creates space.

Space for our minds to wander.

Space for us to take notice.

Space for our creativity to spread its wings.

We desperately need boredom.  Our kids desperately need boredom.  Though it’s not nearly as easy to achieve in today’s world, we can become intentional about developing it just like any other skill or habit.

What Makes it Tough

Boredom creates a feeling of discomfort.  Most often we have to admit this momentary discomfort sends a message to our hand to reach out and pick up our phone before we consciously realize we’re doing it.

This moment of discomfort causes our kids to ask us for the 40th time today if they can have screen time, or a snack, or to stand looking at all their toys and books and claim there’s “nothing to do.”

So how do we combat this?  As with so many habits, we don’t have to perform some complete overhaul; what if we simply start with small pockets of time:

Have five minutes before the kids get home?  Just stand there and think.  Look out the window and daydream.  Wipe down the kitchen counter or do something else that leaves space for your mind to wander.

Waiting in line?  Watch people; take notice of your surroundings; eavesdrop.  Writer Madeleine L’Engle said, “If we allow our ‘high creativity’ to remain alive, we will never be bored. We can pray, standing in line at the super market. Or we can be lost in awe at all the people around us, their lives full of glory and tragedy, and suddenly we will have the beginnings of a painting, a story, a song.”

Boredom Plus Character

As we start doing things like this ourselves, we can help our kids practice boredom. Depending on the child, however, we can’t simply throw them to the wolves without any guidance. “In essence, boredom is not merely a “dead” moment, but a “pain-like” signal that pushes for change, with the outcome depending on whether the individual uses that energy for constructive (creative) or destructive (risky) actions.”  (Sadly I can’t remember where I got this quote, but it’s too good not to use)

Some people, generally those without a decent sense of right and wrong yet, go looking for trouble when they’re bored.  This trouble could be as simple as pestering their older siblings, or as bad as trying drugs or damaging property.

So how do we guide our children toward healthy boredom?  When they come to us with phrases like, “There’s nothing to do,” or “I’m so bored,” or the more sneaky, “Can I watch something?”

The first step is to recognize our habitual feeling that we need to immediately allow screen time or spoon-feed them a smorgasbord of boredom-busting ideas.

We don’t.

We can see this not as a problem we have to solve, but as a wonderful opportunity. If your children are more capable of using boredom properly, tell them things like,

  • “I can’t wait to hear what you figure out.”
  • “Boredom is a blessing.”
  • “I can think of some chores if you can’t find anything else to do.”
  • “Go outside.”

This will likely be met with groanings, but they will be well worth it when you see what your kids end up discovering on their own.

For kids who need a little guidance responding to boredom properly, you can say things like:

  • “What have you not done in a while that you enjoyed doing?”
  • Similarly: “See what you can find in the bottom of your toy bin/back of your closet.”
  • “What can you build with those Legos/blocks?”

These give some guidance without doing their thinking for them.

There may be some “Eureka!” moments here and there, but this is a marathon, not a sprint. We’re not looking to have genius bubbling up each and every time we or our kids have been bored; we’re creating that space we talked about earlier.  Remember, Einstein didn’t flesh out his theories as a child, but the habit of mental margin paved the way over time for them. 

How about you?  I’d love to hear how you take advantage of the little moments to create margin in your day. 

Here’s to rekindling the boredom in our lives!          

Welcome to Her Sacred Burden

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Isn’t it a beautiful thing when a phrase or quote jumps out at you and encapsulates so thoroughly something you’ve been thinking and praying about? 

I’ve been praying about starting a blog for a few months, and before that it had a place firmly lodged in the back of my mind for years.  I’ve heard the discouraging stories of blogs that take 3 or more years to gain a good readership and any kind of income, and I’ve seen the stories (are they clickbait?  Who knows…) of people who’re earning an income on a blog within 3 months. 

I’ve followed blogs throughout the years that were instrumental in my growth and learning on anything from homeschooling to how to make my own laundry detergent. And more and more I’ve sensed that I want to be that person.  Be that helper who comes alongside someone else and teaches and encourages, not as someone who knows it all but as someone who’s learned some things she’s excited to share.

Since I was a child, I’ve wanted to write. And in these last months, the desire to start a blog has grown exponentially.  I thought and prayed about all kinds of things I could blog about. Who would my target audience be? How could I help them? What kinds of topics can I talk on and on about over weeks and months and years? Can I commit to a blog if it does become even moderately successful? 

I knew I wanted to write for people like me. As often as I can feel like I’m an odd duck, I know that I share the same struggles and interests and triumphs and goals as many other women, and I knew I wanted them to be my readers.  Moms, wives, Christians, homeschoolers, homemakers, health enthusiasts. I kept coming back to wanting to help other moms take care of themselves and their families well.

And then one day, I saw the quote.  I’m not even sure where.  Somewhere online, I’m sure.  It’s from Elisabeth Elliot in her book “The Shaping of a Christian Family.” 

She says, “The process of shaping the child, shapes the mother herself.  Reverence for her sacred burden calls her to all that is pure and good, that she may teach primarily by her own humble, daily example.”

And it resonated with me deeply.  It spoke to so many things I’ve been learning lately as a mom, and truly encapsulated all those varied topics that had swirled through my mind concerning the blog. 

I’ve struggled like any woman has with being exhausted as a mom, with wondering if what I’m doing makes any impact on them, with wanting to use the bathroom just once without hearing a knock and “Hey Mom?” at the door.  I’ve struggled with resenting motherhood and all that comes with it.

“The process of shaping the child, shapes the mother herself.”

A good potter knows he can’t do whatever he wants with the clay and have it magically take form, he’s got to work with the substance in ways it’s able to be used.  The potter has to learn and grow and try and fail and figure out this material he’s using as he’s figuring out how to shape it – what it can even be shaped into.

Likewise, we as moms need to learn and grow, adapt and try and fail. 

As we shape, we are shaped.

“Reverence for her sacred burden calls her to all that is pure and good…”

Like most people, I tend to think of a burden as a bad thing.  We hear people say, “I don’t want to be a burden” or complain about anything that’s going to take much work.  We want easy. We want life hacks.

But Jesus gives us a yoke and a burden.  A light and easy one compared to sin’s, but a burden nonetheless. Merriam-Webster defines burden as “something that is carried; load; duty; responsibility.” 

God Himself has given us a responsibility as moms to raise our kids to the best of our abilities, hanging on to Him as we do for strength and guidance.  So to call being a mother to my two children my sacred burden is not a complaint, but about as beautiful and realistic as it gets.

“that she may teach primarily by her own humble, daily example.”

The little things matter.  Our habits as moms. How we talk to or about our husbands. Our time spent with God in His Word.  Bringing Him up in conversation. Stopping to have the tough discussions that always seem to come up at 10:00 p.m.  Cleaning the vomit from the carpet at 3:00 a.m.  Having a plan for dinner every. Single. Day. Of. Our. Lives.

We can do all that without reverence, without striving for purity and goodness, without humility. But we are called not just to the basic physical needs.  We’re called also to the spiritual, mental, emotional. There are complex image-bearing people in our care.  The sacredness of the burden draws us to higher things.

All told at the inception of this blog, I’m nervous. I’m excited. I wonder if I’m wasting my time.  I can’t seem to figure out the next step without much wondering and questioning and Googling. But I’m here.  Let’s see what happens.